Sunday, December 25, 2011

Festive Season Plea from a Depressed and Potless Smirk

Down, I am, dejected and depressed. I had to cancel our Winter Festival, because the Hubberholme Throat Singers wouldn't come - they said I hadn't paid them for last time (not true - we made them Lancashire hot-pot laced with psilocybin shrooms), the women's drum circle have all pleaded colds, and the men's dance group are in Morocco. Only Sister Splitblister was available, and she'salways nagging on about Vatican male power structures, whatever they are.

So here is my lament and plea:

Sod it!
We're out of pot.
Are all we've got.
Half a kilo -
That's not a lot.

Good will
And all that crap
'S phooey.
Don't give a rap
For Santa -
He's just a sap.

My grandad
Told me so.
Said God
'S a myth also.
(Cambridge man -
He ought to know).

All my
Disciples fled.
It's what I said -
'That Nietzsche
Wrote, "God is dead"'

My cult
Don't pay no more.
Need cash
And that's for sure.
Most of all
I need to score.

Restores my soul.
Soon things
Begin to roll,
Roll me
Out of this hole.

C. Hitchens spoke,
'S a cruel joke."
So why pray,
When you can toke?


Some grass to smoke!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Big-up to Clifford Longley, and his great and brave defence of that fine MP Jon Cruddas!

Smirk Opines

Hooray for Clifford Longley, and his great and brave defence of that fine MP Jon Cruddas.

As Mr Longley very rightly said in that fine Catholic magazine, The Tablet,

"Would it not be reasonable for Catholic MPs to want to take into account the damage to respect for democracy and the rule of law that would follow if the criminalisation of all abortion had somehow been forced through Parliament in defiance of public opinion?"

Destroy Democracy for a blob of tissue that may have a cleft-palate, or flat feet or something? For a life (as the much-maligned Adolf Hitler remarked) that is not worth living?


Mr Longley, the editor of the Tablet, John Cruddas,

I salute you.

Just keep 'em coming!

Monday, November 14, 2011

A Stupid Old Git called "Left-footer"

A Limerick by the Next Poet Laureate (Lil' Ol' Smirky)

A stupid old git called "Left-footer"
Thinks he's smart, but he's really a nutter.
Cracked under life's strain,
His hate-addled brain
Is where paranoid fantasies flutter.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Shrigots! All Kudos to John Cruddas MP and Francis Davis, a Circular Magician if there ever was one!

So Taleban Catholic bloggers - shrigots = shrill bigots (my own word, and I'm really proud of that one) are getting their knickers in a twist over the Dominicans inviting Mr John Cruddas MP to speak at their Oxford venue. As the Dominicans (or Dominican'ts tee! hee!) ran the Spanish Inquisition, responsible for the torture and murder of millions of Jews, Muslims, and Protestants, I guess he was doing them a great honour in accepting.

But no, a foreign Priest (H/T to Francis Davis here) called Father Pereira, supported by SPUC has thrown a spanner in the works. There will be no learned address from Mr Cruddas, who has done so much to support abortion and other liberal Catholic issues in Parliament.

The Dominicans couldn't do this great man (and a credit to his church) a honour if they tried!

By inviting this wise and compassionate man to give up his valuable time at the Mother of Parliaments to explain democracy to a bunch of obscurantist mystagogues, they are honouring only THEMSELVES.


I'm off now to read the rest of Francis Davis's blog and leave some complimentary comments.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Bestial Pride!

What a great government we've got here in Britain! From now on I will always vote for the coalition!

First the last P.M., David Cameron announces plans to legalise gay marriage after March, and now, the new coalition Premier, Mr Napevno Gwoopy, not to be outdone, has promised what we've been waiting so long for.

Yes, all of us zoophiles can come out of the closet, or kennel, or rabbit-hutch, or hen-house now and rejoice, proudly, in our orientation, cuz within the year, promises Mr Gwoopy, inter-species marriage will be here.

My darling little aardvark Frisky was over the moon when I told him. The look of joy and gratitude in his eyes told me all I needed to know.

We can't wait to TIE THE KNOT! Now we must find him a wedding dress!

And yes, my friends in the Zoophile Information Exchange are planning the biggest street party ever seen on the streets of London on April 1st 2012.


Leading clergy, including open-minded R.C.s, have been invited, and so far over 100 have accepted.

Bishop Everly Mainchance has said, "Well, ok, I suppose it had to come, and I don't just accept, but rejoice at it, as a step forward for tolerance and the Big Society, which is what the church is all about, I think."

When asked how he thought the Pope would react, he answered, "Dunno. None of his biz..."

O GLAD! O Brave New World!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Bishops Running Scared

Can you smell the stench of where-to-run-to, pant-wetting teeth-chattering fear, terror, dread, funk?

I can!

They're on the run! Who are? The sin-sodden, sex-hate-mongering, motherhood-and-apple-pie loving bishops in England and Wales, every pathetic mother's son of them.

And for why, you ask?

Cuz their time is up! It's high noon! It's the midnight hour, when Hell doth gape and all that.

Are you with me? No?

Well, try this for size. Our admirable boys in blue have been feeling a few christian collars oop North, and have warned a so-called christian coffee-shop owner to hide his stash of bibles.

And why?

Because, as Dr Krimpleane Phabbs has pointed out in these columns, THAT BOOK is a hate-filled sewer of homophobic poison, not fit for public display.

And the bishops (and it's their book after all) have said NOTHING! Not a word! Not a dickey-bird!

Not a word
I've heard!
Just shows us the buggers are scared!

Yup, I can write poetry, too.

I predict, no, prophesy, that in 5 years 5 YEARS!, the church of rome will be clattering around in circles like an empty beer can in a windy parking lot!


Bogus Smirk, Chair, PAF (Proud and Faithless)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Press Release by Dr Krimpleane Phabbs

Press Release Embargoed until 31.08.2011: 21.45

Internationally renowned and acclaimed microbiologist Dr Phabbs, chairperson of the Coalition for the Ending of Homophobia (CEH) has requested the extradition and trial of Mr Joseph Ratzinger (AKA Pope Benedict 16) on charges of disseminating homophobia and anti-gay hate-speech.

Said Dr Phabbs, "This man in his capacity of chairperson and chief executive of a religious cult, endorses the inerrancy of a book, the so-called "Bible", which is violently gay-unfriendly, and contains gloating descriptions of supernatural gay-bashing in a place identified as Sodom. He should be ashamed of himself.

"What is more, a character named as Lot is described as offering his daughters to the gays of Sodom, in a clear attempt to "convert" them to "straightness", an insult to their orientation. All because the local gays wanted to extend a welcome to Lot's male guest and be his buddy.

"In addition, Ratzinger has gone on record that his firm will not employ gays as ministers of religion.

"He must be made to face up to the appalling effects of this book, which is used as an official instruction manual and vade mecum in his organisation, and its malign influence on the Big Society. He endorses this scurrilous book which makes the Protocols of the Elders of Sion pale into insignificance.

"The author of this disgraceful and bigoted volume is said to be "the Almighty", and when we have tracked Him down, He too will be called to account.

If He cannot be tracked down, I will personally prove His non-existence."


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Early Christians Not Bigots - Official

Guest Post by Professor Fatuus Twerp

A long-suppressed document, dating from the first century C.E., has emerged from the Vatican Library, casting a fascinating light on early Christian ecumenism. It was discovered by Justin de Groot, the pop singer, who has a D.Phil. in Comparative Superstition from Oxford University.

As translated by Professor Dino Nonevero, one extract, a report on the trial of some Christians accused of refusing to make public sacrifice to a Roman  god, makes fascinating reading.

P.Cuius Agricola (Magistrate): You have a choice - sacrifice or die. How do you choose?

Christianus Oecumenicus (Christian): Where, lord, is the altar that we may sacrifice? For we are good Roman citizens and Caesar is our emperor. We are no closed sect, but on a journey, to learn and to grow in spirituality. We Christian Romans and non-Christian Romans have much to share, and Faith will speak unto Faith, so that all will be spiritually enriched. What is more..

Magistrate: By Hercules, get on with it. Sacrifice or die.

Christianus Oecumenicus: Lord, we will of course sacrifice whatever you shall require, for has not Saint Paul instilled in us obedience to magistrates? And will not our altar at Asissi proudly display a Buddha two thousand years hence,  with the approval of the Supreme Pontiff, no less. Why, then, should we choose death rather than life, when we can with our lives serve great Caesar..

Magistrate: Immortal gods! Shut up you blathering dolt! Guards, take them away and see that they sacrifice.

Christianus: Bombulum*, bombulum, bombulum..

Magistrate: What are you saying, you saucy scoundrel?

Guard: It's only divine afflatus, my lord. C'mon you 'orrible lot.

This fragment, hidden for so long in the Vatican archives (and we can guess why) fully justifies the ecumenical outreaches of the Second Vatican Council, and will necessitate the rewriting of much church history.

*bombulum = a fart

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Guest Post - Sister Pestilentia Quiche

As promised, here are the details of our forthcoming Spiritual Workshop, cost Ł500, unwaged stay away.

Empowering The Godess Within You

10.00 am. Welcome. Pepsi Cola and herbal vegan quiche. Registration.

10.30 am. Sacred dance performed by our men's liturical dance group, led by Grant Thrust.

11.30 am.  Chill-out, with Mongolian throat singing choir, Hubberholm Rainbow Clog-Dance troupe, and Tibetan nose flute ensemble.

12.00. Women's (topless optional) drum-circles. Meditation tents.

13.00. The Bong of Reason (Address by Bishop Bogus Smirk)

14.00. Chill-out smoking and substance break.

14.30. Invocation to Gaia/Love-In/Family Planning Workshop. 

15.30. Macrobiotic/Abortion/Deep Ecology Sing-In and Dance-In. There will be an opportunuty to wail and express your hurt at the forthcoming extinction of the Bessarabian prawn.

16.15. We Are Excluded and Hurting delegation from the Catholic Church 

17.00 Enthronement and Crowning of Earth-Mother Gaia.

17.45. Hug-in and parade. Leave.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Dr Serebral Pestillenz on the Evil of the so-called Family.

I am proud to present this guest post by Dr Serebral Pestillenz, who has a doctorate in psychology from the University of Lyonesse, on the very important subject of child protection.

Take it away, Doctor!

In my study of the psychology of childhood, I read widely among the works of Cyril Burt, the great Dr Jerschild, Dr Mengele, Margaret Sanger, Marie Stopes, and the immortal Krafft-Ebbing, and became convinced of one thing. The elimination of the deluded concepts of 'motherhood' and 'fatherhood' is essential if we are to build a just modern state. 

In all 'primitive' societies, which are of course by definition healthy, the child belongs to the community and is brought up by the community with the community's shared values (see Margaret Meade, Colonel Professor Doctor Six, & Dr Purve Ershen, passim).

In modern British society, the ideals of Marcuse are not universally accepted, and the archaic construct of 'the family' still in some places persists, in spite of the untiring work of sex-educators, the Catholic Education Council, and Planned Parenthood. Here I must, of course, also mention the great work done by Dr Gommorrer-Kwest of the Child Sexuality Endorsement Society, and Dr Caring Bung, M.P. for Gówno, whose masterly suggestion is that only certified non-homophobes should be allowed to reproduce.

The family, that archaic, ageist, male-dominated, matriarchal, patriarchal construct clearly must be eliminated, and here the crack troops will be Social Services. For two example of thir untiring work, read this -

Until this great work is completed, British Communities will continue to be at the mercy of homophobic, revanchist, sex-obsessed, puritanical, bigoted, theophilic bigots.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dr Bung, M.P. : A Man For Our Times!

Genderdoctor Caring Bung, MP, will introduce a new Parliamentary Bill in the Autumn, which he has described as follows:

"I intend that the new, all-inclusive, non gender/orientation-specific form of address shall be Genderperson, regardless of sex, sexual orientation, or so-called marital status. For titles, there will be Genderlardy, or Genderdamesir, to replace sir, dame, lord, lady, and, for so-called professionals and clergy, Genderdoctor, Genderbishop, etc. etc.

"All so-called Catholic Clergy, regardless of status, shall be addressed as Genderpedophile or Genderpervert.

"It will be an offence punishable with imprisonment to use the expression 'pervert' in any other context."

Brilliant! This genderperson has a brain and a half!!


Genderbishop Bogus Smirk

(Proofread {Nihil Obstat} by Gendersistbrother Jezebel Stoatblister)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Bishop speaks out - Catholic Church is Hompohobic - Cheering the Quurch

I know some of you toffee-nosed traddies out there think I am an uneducated person. You sneer at me, and my church, and my literary efforts, and maybe at my theology too.

Well don't.

Because I've got news for you.

I was googling 'homophobia', my bete noir yesterday, and came across this, which seems to be a Roman Catholic hymn about judgement day from way back when. Seems to be called "Dies Irae". So who is Ira, and why must she die? Ira Gershwin perhaps? Do we have some anti-semitism here? It wouldn't surprise me, with Uber-unter-sturmbahnfuhrer Rantstinker in charge.  What a lot!

You with me so far? Good. And I quote -

"Lacrimosa dies illa
Cum resurget ex favilla
Judicandus homo reus"

So, I go to my Latin dictionary, and look up reus, and what do I find? It means, as far as I can make out, 'guilty' or 'thing'.

So homos (gays) are either guilty or things. You pays yer money and you takes yer choice.

I protest! Yes, I bloody well do! They are neither.

THEY ARE NORMAL!!! Think of all the great people in modern life - Elton Johns, Liberatchy, Goering, who painted his toenails, W. H. Orden that great poet.

Give me strength!!!

The RC Quurch needs cheering, ASAP!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hats Off to Trevor Phillips - How I Love That Man

One in the eye for Pope Ratstinger and the traddie homophobes, sex-haters, misogynists, and other dyed-in-the-wool dark-ages twerps. And from none other than everyone's favourite anti-racist czar:

Trevor Phillips.

Here's a man who is really trying to help everyone adopt the core values of British society, like



The Big Society

In today's world it's acceptable to be gay, and not just acceptable, but something to be proud of, like being rich, or influential, or a celebrity, or HIV positive, or beautiful, or young. In my view, the sick folks who can't conform to modern society need re-educating, or gassing, or something.

They're not a happy bunch, so let's offer give them free euthanasia, starting with that bigoted loser Left-footer, and the geeks who comment on his so-called blog.

So, I say to you antediluvian gits:


Tuesday, May 31, 2011


From Bogus Smirk - I wrote this in minutes - shows the Spirit is really upon me, don't you think?

Into the fields to harvest
The fruits of Vatican II!
We are the Easter People
Who will the Church renew.
"What are these fruits," you ponder,
"That you so keenly reap?"
We've Joy and Love and Wonder, so
Let Faith and Reason sleep!

There were no fruits from doctrine
Or from obedience blind,
But we are now so fruity,
It sometimes blows our mind.
We speak in tongues and prophesy
"Yah! Bliffer Blaffer Bloo!"
The Spirit so baptises us,
That all we say is true.

We don't need popes and bishops
We've each got Direct Lines
To our heavenly Big Daddy,
So we are all divines.
When Roma loquitur, we know
Causa is not at end
We might accept Rome's opinion
If it matches the latest trend.

The Fathers of the Council
Said, "From the experts, seek
The wisdom of the worldly
The freedom of the freak!"
We've done it:  See how worldly
And freaky are we all!
At every Mass there's schmalz and slop -
Don't we just have a ball!

Oh let the Rhinish water
Into the Tiber flow,
And Luther's vermicular food
On us his strength bestow.
Huss, Henry 8, Barth, Nietzche, Pan
Mohammed, Buddha, Kung
They offer us their treasures -
Let us their glories tongue.

That lovely lady Brosselmans
Said Mass is like Diwali
Or Eid ul Fatr festival -
That's really up our alley.
Our Mass is a complete shebang
With loud and joyful praise.
Who needs old-fashioned reverence
When we our voices raise

In Gibberish and rigmarole,
"Oh wazza wazza whizz!"
And pogo up and down the aisle
While the celebrant does his biz.
Oh sweet to the Ears of Abba dear
Is our loud hullabaloo,
A glorious Harvest Home for us,
We fruits of Vatican II!

(Tune: We Plough the Fields and Scatter")

Monday, May 30, 2011

GLADLY - A New Hymn from Smirk

I wrote this last night, and it took me a humungous time, but I think it's one of my best. The last line is meant to be sung really loud.

It rounds off a service on the right note, I think.

It needs a tune. Any offers?

Gladly hopeful we go forth
Out into the street,
Greeting each and everyone
Of the folks we meet.

Gladly hopeful off we drive
To the shopping mall
Making gifts of faith and love
And hope to one and all.

Gladly gingerly we mince
To the gay bordello,
Greeting bears and catamites
"Hey, well met, good fellow!"

Leathermen, dykes, studs and queens,
Are our sisters, brothers.
Abortionists and pederasts,
Like so many others

Are our fellow-pilgrims, but
Let us gladly tell
Bigots, traddies, homophobes
To bugger off to Hell!

To keep the traddies happy, I've added an alternative last line. It's long, but they can drone it to planesong or whatever they call it. Don't say I'm not inclusive. It is -

That they are our beloved, though very diverse, brothers and sisters as well!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Sister Jezebel Goatbuster Sounds Off.........

My heartfelt thanks to Bishop Smirk for allowing me the freedom of his blog to alert readers to developments in the Gorgonzola debacle.

As I wrote in my weekly column in The Clyster, the sacking of Bishop Gorgonzola in Italy with the closure of the justly famed and prestigious Aula Libera Sanctuary, following complaints by traditionalist Catholic Christians, leaves me aghast at the brutality of the Vatican's repressive machinery.

Gorgonzola, who did so much to meld the mystical practices of the great world faiths into the fabric of the Catholic tradition, always stuck to his vision of the Pilgrim Church, travelling on unknown terrain without maps, seeking enlightenment at every hospitable waysite inn, in search of Truth.

A staunch rejecter of dogmatism, papal infallibility, celibacy ("that hothouse of lust" as he so memorably called it), and an outspoken supporter of whatever is innovative, inclusive, tolerant, compassionate, and ecological, the Bishop is said to the considering an appeal against his dismissal, using the 'normal channels of civil law'.

A petition is being organised with the support of such powerful bodies as:

Church Be Us,
Catholic Vegetarians,
Sex-Workers For Universalist Vision,
Catholics For Choice,
Jail The Pope,
Deviants Against Dogma,
We B Church-like

and is being coordinated by the staff at The Clyster

I urge all people of good will to write to their bishop, pastor, shaman, or whomsoever demanding transparency and justice.

Reinstate Bishop Formaggio Gorgonzola NOW!

A shining light in the world has been extinguished, a force for great good mayhemmed!

Bishop Gorgonzola of the Sanctuary Aula Liberis in Italy has been silenced, sacked, and his sanctuary closed.

By whom? You ask.

By none other than the the nazi-inquisitor Pope Ratstinger.

Why? You ask.

Because he continued the work of the first Asissi interfaith jamboree.

Because his sanctuary was a fun place to be.

Because he promoted liturgical dance. And what babes his artistes were! Phooah!

Because mean-spirited Catholic Talibanistas called his services "orgies". That's right, orgies: celebrations so sexy, so full of joy and light that only a heart of stone could resist them. And the cream of Italian society flocked to them.

Because he was BIG enough to welcome all faiths.

As Sister Jezebel Goatbuster so perceptively remarked in her weekly column in The Clyster, "here we see the hideous machinery of Vatican power-structures unmasked in all its naked, power-crazed  misogyny, homophobia, and brutality".

I say to the so-called pope and his so-called "holy inquisition":

Reinstate Bishop Gorgonzola now!

Promote him to cardinal.

Or you will have me to reckon with.

Friday, March 4, 2011


Yo dudes and dudesses! Greetings from the bongworthy tokable centre of the universe, Glastonbury!

Be ye mellow!

Be ye positive!

Left-footer's always banging on about wanting to be positive - he couldn't if he tried!

Like his church, he's a loser! His church is homophobic. That's official - if you don't believe me, then just ask Tony Blair.

But the UK bishops just lack the guts to say so. Or they don't believe their own Pope. Or they're just negative about being negative.

But I'm positive - about nearly everything. Let's take the news over the last few weeks -

Have we got great laws and judges?

We have.

They gave it straight to those evil, negative, weird, fundamentalist homophobes who call themselves Christians. They said

No to fostering of vulnerable kids by dark-age faith-abusers, bigots and gay-bashers

No to homophobic adoptions

No to gay-bashing bed and breakfast proprietors

No more of that guff about "an Englishman's home is his castle" - not if you're some gay-bashing, hate-criminal worthy to stand in the Nuremberg dock next to Albert Schweitzer, or somebody.

But now, I call on our legislators to show real courage. In the name of deep ecology,

                                                BAN DISINFECTANTS!
                            BAN ANTIBIOTICS


We here on Earth are all guests of Mother Gaia.

Humans, animals, fish, reptiles, insects, plants, funguses, fungi, bacteriariariana or whatever.

Even viri (viruses? I dunno).

Even E-coli!

Imagine what it feels like to be disinfected if you're a germ!

So let's show them the love. Let's stop washing, pulling the chain, deodorising, disinfecting, antibioticking, hoovering.


Yours in the love of Gaia. Respect to the Weed!

Eco-Bishop Smirk

Friday, January 7, 2011

Hope at Assissi

It seems the former nazi Pope is coming to his senses at last, with a third multi-Faith jamboree at Assisi. Seems he turned up his snooty Prussian nose at the last two. Perhaps he's read the advice in my last blog to listen to his public.

I say to him: "Fame is fickle, or so they say, and you need some good publicity like you gotta have oxygen!


Last time, they had a statue of Buddha on the altar - really cool.

So, this time, let's see some more faces of Truth.

So what about statues of Kali, Baal, Gaia, Wicca, and Baron Samedi?

Let's make it really ecumenical!