Friday, January 13, 2017

Round Objects to Bergoglio

Yes, it's true. Monsignor Round, Parish Priest of St Torquemada's, Broughton Poggs, is perfectly clear. "I object most strongly," he says, "to the current Pope." 

Saturday, December 24, 2016

After Christmas Dinner chez Orgoglio

Scene: An ecclesiastical doss-house in the Vatican.

Pope Orgoglio: Where are my presents? What's that? 

Monsignor Louche: It's your Christmas tree - a present from the South Side Coprophiles, your Holiness.

Orgoglio: It stinks 'orrible.

Monsignor Louche: Your Holiness, it is artificial, everlasting, and made out of second-hand toilet brushes.

 Orgoglio: Bleagh! Gimme a drink of water. Oh arrrrrgh! Fire and water - man's best friend and worst enemy, oh arrrrgh!

Cardinal Fondle: [groans, rolls eyes, looks at watch] Indeed your Holiness!

 Orgoglio: They ol' neo-promethean neo-pelagians never was much cop, or something..... 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio; Gimme the nutcrackers, will ya?

Monsignor Venal: Your Holiness, there are no nuts to crack. You have cracked them all.

Orgoglio: Them traddy gits keep saying I'm splitting the Church, but I say I'm just making a mess, like what I told them teenagers to do, eh? Oh arrrrgh! 'Ere! I've been havin' a butchers at the Ten Commandments. Negativity, eh? We gotta do something about that. Too much coprophilia, no? 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  Oh arrrgh! The best way to combat terrorism is by warmly welcoming migrants into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat rape is by warmly welcoming rapists into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat negativity is by warmly welcoming negativists and helping them integrate into the "European context. Is that right?" 


Orgoglio:  The best way to combat traditional Catholicism is by warmly welcoming traddies and helping them integrate into the "European context, maybe?" 

Cardinal Fondle: [visibly jolted] **** that, your Holiness. Those little neo-pelagian ***** can get stuffed!

Orgoglio: I'm making a mess, eh? Still young at heart, that's me.

[Collapse of stout Catholic]

Thursday, October 15, 2015

You have a right to choose your gender - and age!

I am delighted to publish here a piece by my old friend from our Strangeways days, Bishop Pugh Malefactor. 

Today I want to salute, commend, and pay tribute to Bishop Smirk, the genderflexible, ageflexible new-age clergyman, and the episcopal epicentre of all that is most inspiring in Milton Keynes.

Courageous as ever, he has decided on a new gender, WOMAN, a new name BETSIE, and a new date of birth - 1.10.1999.

Yes, folks, Bishop Betsie is now 16 years old!

Of course, Betsy has applied for a new birth certificate which will reflect her new gender and age.

She has had a consultation with German gynaecologist Dr Dr Dr Ormonall Phreekes  for treatment for pre-menstrual tension.

Like any other normal 16 year old teenage girl, she is now on the pill and looking forward to a fullfilling sex life.

And I say to Bishop Betsie Smirk,


Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

Caused all the wars in history

Led to the crusades, for which popes can never apologise enough

Led to the Spanish Inquisition, which burned millions of Jews, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus,  Budhdhists, Rastafarians, and freemaisonettes to death

Stops our Queen getting divorced and marrying a Wiccan

Led to forced male and female circumspection and other mutations

Been the opium of the people, like Carl Marks wrote. I'm all for opium, but the real stuff, please, not that kitszy stuff that makes people accept anything their told, provided the person laying down the law is wearing funny clothes (no offence, Dalai Llama!)

In other words, religion is not for the common good and it's time to dump it in the dustbin of history!

So I say we should give a big-up to the Daily Larva, Bertrand Rustle, Dicky Dorkins, and all those brave and honest people who can set forth, godless and undismayed, on the only pilgrimage worth making....

The Search For Truth

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Professor Stunkenhaus on the sanctity of life

Stunkenhaus: To allow communion for murderers is not to deny the sanctity of life.

The sanctity of life is “not seriously called into question” by those who believe practising serial murderers should be allowed to receive communion. Dumkopf Stunkenhaus, Professor of Moral Theology at the Sacher-Masoch University in Franfurt, is adamant about this. The German theologian underlined that too often, the concept of “natural law” was interpreted statically, reducing the “deep meaning of the sanctity of human life” to a mere fact of “being alive”. He disagrees with the term “official Church” (bishops are not “some kind of parallel society within the Church” that is detached from the people). He also stressed that although doctrine and pastoral care are two different things, they cannot contradict each other: “Failure to deal with problems that remain unresolved on a doctrinal level, will simply lead to the Church’s teaching being seen as rigid and lacking in credibility.”

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Cardinal Gasper on the 5th Commandment.

“(T)he Church will not and cannot change the teachings, the doctrine, but it’s a question of the adaption of the doctrine,” he said.

Asked specifically about the Church’s teaching on the wrongness of murder, as stated in the Decalogue, Cardinal Gasper said that “we have to interpret what Moses said about killing.”

“I think what the Commandment said is true,” the cardinal said of the 5th Commandment. However, he rejected the idea that any specific application of the teaching can be deducted.

Rather, he said, “it’s an ideal and we have to tell people, but then we have also to respect the conscience of those who kill for what ever reason they feel right.”

Comparing the upcoming synod to the Second Vatican Council, he said the event will be “a listening gathering, listening to what the Spirit says to the Church.”

“We have to be realistic, we have to stick to the Gospel, to the doctrine,…but then apply it to the concrete situation of people who are on the way,” he said, also stating that “life is today lived in a very different way, it’s not just the ideal we have, but we have to take people as they are and listen to them.”

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Hasn't he read Nostra Aetate?

"Turn the anger of the Almighty against the godless Turks and Barbarians who despise Christ the Lord...each success, will only be a stepping stone until he has mastered all the Western Monarchs, overthrown the Christian Faith, and imposed the law of his false prophet on the whole world."

(Pope Pius II, 1458-1464)


Makes you ashamed to be Catholic, dunnit?

Thank goodness Frankie nose better!