Friday, December 24, 2010

A MESSAGE TO THE CITY, THE WORLD AND THE POPE - GLASTOBURGESI ET ORBI ET PAPAE

(Opening fanfare of didgeridoos. Camera pans over Glastonbury, zooms to Pope on balcony, pans to group of White Anglo-Saxon women dancing brokenly and angrily around a huge pile of burning wimples. Pans to balcony, on which stands Bishop. He puffs at his bong, gnaws a mushroom, smiles, and speaks.)


To Glastonbury - peace, melllow moods, fragrant vapours rising to the heavens from spliff and bong! Happy mushrooming.


To the world - see above.


To Pope Benedict the 16th: be humble. You have much to learn.


Learn, as Tony Blair said a few years ago, to LISTEN.


LISTEN to the people in the pews.


LISTEN to the brokeness and angryness in you own church.


You're OUT OF TOUCH!


Tony Blair, now there's a man to respect and listen to!


For starters, he's a real English gentleman, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, speaks with a proper Oxford accent, not like that Brown, eh?


TONY BLAIR IS A DEEPLY HUMBLE AND RELIGIOUS MAN WHO SAYS IT AS IT IS.


He's also got a brain and a half - he must have. HE'S LOADED!


And he CARES. For BROKENESS, for ANGRYNESS.


He cares for all the unheard people in the Catholic Church, the gays, bisexuals, transgenders, lesbians, tokers, ordinary people like you and I.


He told you straight, did Tone, that you were out of touch with ordinary people, pewsitters, whatever.


He said you should LISTEN to THEM and HIM.


SO LISTEN!


Move on from your obsessions with condoms, abortion, sex, doctrine, theology (don't talk to me about theology), and embrace LIFE with all its DIVERSITY.


WE ARE BROKEN!


WE ARE ANGERED!!


WE ARE CHURCH!!!


(Fade-out broken, angry wailing.)

Monday, December 20, 2010

ENDECALOGUE

Eleven commandments!

YES, THERE ARE ELEVEN NOW!

My 10 Commandments, which I received at the top of Glastonbury Tor (my Holy Mountain) after a great lunch of MUSHROOMS (Know what I mean? Know what I mean!!!). It's brass monkeys up there, but the local fuzz don't like me smokin' ganja, man, not in the street, anyway, and my landlady's not cool with it. Life's grim without the odd spliff.

PLUS ONE NEW ONE.

1. Thou shalt worship whatever gods or godesses you please, but they gotta be nice.

2. Keep it coool!

3. Graven images are ok - the RCs love 'em, but no fertility godesses, please. Think environmentally. We already got too many folks here on Planet Earth.

4. Thou shalt embrace DEEP ECOLOGY.

5. He prayeth best who loveth best all creatures great and small (Saint Samuel Coleridge) (see 4)

6. Thou shalt financially support thy pastors, and especially thy Bishop.

7. Thou shalt love everyone, everywhere, as often as possible.

8. Thou shalt not be a bigot.

9. Thou shalt support the BIG SOCIETY.

10. Thou shalt retweet me as often as physically possible, and desist from slagging off my cool hip jive. It's NOT out of date - the holy never is.

11. Thou shalt not question or dispute the authority of thy Bishop, bad-mouth him, mention roast pork, or steam-rollers, or rubbish him in any way.

Yours in the love of whatever and respect to the Herb!

Bishop Smirk

Saturday, December 18, 2010

I Got my Own Blog - go fly yer kite someplace else, Left-footer!

First, that little misunderstanding. Reports of my death beneath a steamroller are UNTRUE!

Here's what happened. Mu, who is not my common-law wife, bur my bride according to Mugwumpian rites, had just cooked me a great omelette, and while I was partaking of it (I gotta learn to write more classy, me being a bishop), came into the room dragging a humungous roast pig.

I was somewhat taken aback, us being a regular vegan menage, and asked her to put it back in the freezer and join me in our hallucinogenic repast, and maybe a post-prandial toke (respect to the Herb).

She demurred, a struggle ensued, and the pig flew out of the window into the street. There was a rumbling, crunching sound outside, so I went down to investigate.

There was the porker, squashed flat beneath the front roller of Mu's dad's steamroller. At that moment, I spotted my good friend Dealer Dave across the street, and we hove off to the Tor for a toke. Mushrooms and ganja! I don't remember anything between yesterday morning and now.

So here I am, large as life, and rarin' to go! You know what they say about bad pennies?

Like karma, they always turn up!

And have I got goodies in store for you!