(Opening fanfare of didgeridoos. Camera pans over Glastonbury, zooms to Pope on balcony, pans to group of White Anglo-Saxon women dancing brokenly and angrily around a huge pile of burning wimples. Pans to balcony, on which stands Bishop. He puffs at his bong, gnaws a mushroom, smiles, and speaks.)
To Glastonbury - peace, melllow moods, fragrant vapours rising to the heavens from spliff and bong! Happy mushrooming.
To the world - see above.
To Pope Benedict the 16th: be humble. You have much to learn.
Learn, as Tony Blair said a few years ago, to LISTEN.
LISTEN to the people in the pews.
LISTEN to the brokeness and angryness in you own church.
You're OUT OF TOUCH!
Tony Blair, now there's a man to respect and listen to!
For starters, he's a real English gentleman, born with a silver spoon in his mouth, speaks with a proper Oxford accent, not like that Brown, eh?
TONY BLAIR IS A DEEPLY HUMBLE AND RELIGIOUS MAN WHO SAYS IT AS IT IS.
He's also got a brain and a half - he must have. HE'S LOADED!
And he CARES. For BROKENESS, for ANGRYNESS.
He cares for all the unheard people in the Catholic Church, the gays, bisexuals, transgenders, lesbians, tokers, ordinary people like you and I.
He told you straight, did Tone, that you were out of touch with ordinary people, pewsitters, whatever.
He said you should LISTEN to THEM and HIM.
Move on from your obsessions with condoms, abortion, sex, doctrine, theology (don't talk to me about theology), and embrace LIFE with all its DIVERSITY.
WE ARE BROKEN!
WE ARE ANGERED!!
WE ARE CHURCH!!!
(Fade-out broken, angry wailing.)