Sunday, August 28, 2011

Early Christians Not Bigots - Official

Guest Post by Professor Fatuus Twerp

A long-suppressed document, dating from the first century C.E., has emerged from the Vatican Library, casting a fascinating light on early Christian ecumenism. It was discovered by Justin de Groot, the pop singer, who has a D.Phil. in Comparative Superstition from Oxford University.

As translated by Professor Dino Nonevero, one extract, a report on the trial of some Christians accused of refusing to make public sacrifice to a Roman  god, makes fascinating reading.

P.Cuius Agricola (Magistrate): You have a choice - sacrifice or die. How do you choose?

Christianus Oecumenicus (Christian): Where, lord, is the altar that we may sacrifice? For we are good Roman citizens and Caesar is our emperor. We are no closed sect, but on a journey, to learn and to grow in spirituality. We Christian Romans and non-Christian Romans have much to share, and Faith will speak unto Faith, so that all will be spiritually enriched. What is more..

Magistrate: By Hercules, get on with it. Sacrifice or die.

Christianus Oecumenicus: Lord, we will of course sacrifice whatever you shall require, for has not Saint Paul instilled in us obedience to magistrates? And will not our altar at Asissi proudly display a Buddha two thousand years hence,  with the approval of the Supreme Pontiff, no less. Why, then, should we choose death rather than life, when we can with our lives serve great Caesar..

Magistrate: Immortal gods! Shut up you blathering dolt! Guards, take them away and see that they sacrifice.

Christianus: Bombulum*, bombulum, bombulum..

Magistrate: What are you saying, you saucy scoundrel?

Guard: It's only divine afflatus, my lord. C'mon you 'orrible lot.

This fragment, hidden for so long in the Vatican archives (and we can guess why) fully justifies the ecumenical outreaches of the Second Vatican Council, and will necessitate the rewriting of much church history.

*bombulum = a fart


  1. C.E.? C.E.!!!! There is nothing common about this dating, it's simply another expression, using new verbiage, of the Triumphalist attitudes of Patriarchal Logocentric Catholicism! Rather, we should use eras dating from global, one world nurturing events, that point out the essential unity of all mankind, much as the requirement for the known world to Sacrifice to Caesar! For instance, we should currently be dating this P.K., for Post Krakatoa, which after all, Gaia's warning to us of the dangers of anthropogenic climate change!

    Fr.Skippy McPhreak, OGF.

  2. Climate change - yeah, Fr Skippy, man, that's real dire. P.K.? Way coool, dude!

    Fatuus Twerp