Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Next Pope Will Be a Computer

Dr Mehnstriem Pixelrast, Chair of the Department of Virtual Intelligence and Fellow of Ebenezer Cretin College at Bullford University writes this month's guest post.

Dr Pixelrast is known to everyone as a regular guest on the BBC's popular religious programme Your God is the Wrong Size, or Something. His best remembered appearance featured his computerised pit bull terrier CRUD, which ate, amongst others, fellow guest Bishop Polly Pistis and destroyed most of the set. Dr Pixelrast writes:

The Problem

I have followed the elections and subsequent performances during their employmenst of the last four popes, and it has not been a pretty sight. For a world-class faith group, the Catholic church is in terminal decline, and the reasons are not hard to find.

1. Popes, widely thought to be infallible, have a humungous gift for opening their mouths and putting their feet in them. Think ex-nazi Benedict and his bigoted attack on Islam, his remarks about gays and condoms. Think back to John Paul 1, and the so-called smoke of Satan, Humanae Vitae, which split his church. Think John Paul 2 and his populist attention-seeking. And now we have Pope Frankie with his schmoozing up to dictators and his intolerant attacks on gays and abortion.

If Frankie ever sets foot in the UK, me and Dicky Dorkins will get him arrested for homophobia and hate-crime.

Think of Pius 12, Hiltler's Pope, a died in the wool anti-semite.

2. Popes get old and senile, prone to delusions of grandeur, bees in their belfries and bats in their hats. Nor good for a faith community with the pretensions of the Catholic church.

3. Popes are the victims of political pressure, private loyalties, nepotism, the Vatican mafia.

4. Popes are totally inefficient, fallible, human.

5. They are, incredibly, in this day and age, always male.


The Solution

SPUFCFCU (self-programming user-friendly computer for faith community use).

The next Pope must be It's Holiness SPUFCFCU, gender-neutral, infallible, programmable with the scriptures of any faith community, including humanists, wiccans, and satanist. It can write encyclicals, give interviews, and will never make mistakes.

No more papal elections!

No more gaffes!

No more dumkopfs!

Have I made my point?

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