Round Objects to Bergoglio

Yes, it's true. Monsignor Round, Parish Priest of St Torquemada's, Broughton Poggs, is perfectly clear. "I object most strongly," he says, "to the current Pope." 

After Christmas Dinner chez Orgoglio

Scene: An ecclesiastical doss-house in the Vatican.

Pope Orgoglio: Where are my presents? What's that? 

Monsignor Louche: It's your Christmas tree - a present from the South Side Coprophiles, your Holiness.

Orgoglio: It stinks 'orrible.

Monsignor Louche: Your Holiness, it is artificial, everlasting, and made out of second-hand toilet brushes.

 Orgoglio: Bleagh! Gimme a drink of water. Oh arrrrrgh! Fire and water - man's best friend and worst enemy, oh arrrrgh!

Cardinal Fondle: [groans, rolls eyes, looks at watch] Indeed your Holiness!

 Orgoglio: They ol' neo-promethean neo-pelagians never was much cop, or something..... 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio; Gimme the nutcrackers, will ya?

Monsignor Venal: Your Holiness, there are no nuts to crack. You have cracked them all.

Orgoglio: Them traddy gits keep saying I'm splitting the Church, but I say I'm just making a mess, like what I told them teenagers to do, eh? Oh arrrrgh! 'Ere! I've been havin' a butchers at the Ten Commandments. Negativity, eh? We gotta do something about that. Too much coprophilia, no? 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  Oh arrrgh! The best way to combat terrorism is by warmly welcoming migrants into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat rape is by warmly welcoming rapists into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat negativity is by warmly welcoming negativists and helping them integrate into the "European context. Is that right?" 

[Silence]

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat traditional Catholicism is by warmly welcoming traddies and helping them integrate into the "European context, maybe?" 

Cardinal Fondle: [visibly jolted] **** that, your Holiness. Those little neo-pelagian ***** can get stuffed!

Orgoglio: I'm making a mess, eh? Still young at heart, that's me.

[Collapse of stout Catholic]

You have a right to choose your gender - and age!

I am delighted to publish here a piece by my old friend from our Strangeways days, Bishop Pugh Malefactor. 

Today I want to salute, commend, and pay tribute to Bishop Smirk, the genderflexible, ageflexible new-age clergyman, and the episcopal epicentre of all that is most inspiring in Milton Keynes.


Courageous as ever, he has decided on a new gender, WOMAN, a new name BETSIE, and a new date of birth - 1.10.1999.

Yes, folks, Bishop Betsie is now 16 years old!

Of course, Betsy has applied for a new birth certificate which will reflect her new gender and age.

She has had a consultation with German gynaecologist Dr Dr Dr Ormonall Phreekes  for treatment for pre-menstrual tension.

Like any other normal 16 year old teenage girl, she is now on the pill and looking forward to a fullfilling sex life.

And I say to Bishop Betsie Smirk,

SOCK IT TO 'EM SISTER!!!!!

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

Caused all the wars in history

Led to the crusades, for which popes can never apologise enough

Led to the Spanish Inquisition, which burned millions of Jews, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus,  Budhdhists, Rastafarians, and freemaisonettes to death

Stops our Queen getting divorced and marrying a Wiccan

Led to forced male and female circumspection and other mutations

Been the opium of the people, like Carl Marks wrote. I'm all for opium, but the real stuff, please, not that kitszy stuff that makes people accept anything their told, provided the person laying down the law is wearing funny clothes (no offence, Dalai Llama!)

In other words, religion is not for the common good and it's time to dump it in the dustbin of history!

So I say we should give a big-up to the Daily Larva, Bertrand Rustle, Dicky Dorkins, and all those brave and honest people who can set forth, godless and undismayed, on the only pilgrimage worth making....

The Search For Truth

Professor Stunkenhaus on the sanctity of life

Stunkenhaus: To allow communion for murderers is not to deny the sanctity of life.

The sanctity of life is “not seriously called into question” by those who believe practising serial murderers should be allowed to receive communion. Dumkopf Stunkenhaus, Professor of Moral Theology at the Sacher-Masoch University in Franfurt, is adamant about this. The German theologian underlined that too often, the concept of “natural law” was interpreted statically, reducing the “deep meaning of the sanctity of human life” to a mere fact of “being alive”. He disagrees with the term “official Church” (bishops are not “some kind of parallel society within the Church” that is detached from the people). He also stressed that although doctrine and pastoral care are two different things, they cannot contradict each other: “Failure to deal with problems that remain unresolved on a doctrinal level, will simply lead to the Church’s teaching being seen as rigid and lacking in credibility.”
 

Cardinal Gasper on the 5th Commandment.

“(T)he Church will not and cannot change the teachings, the doctrine, but it’s a question of the adaption of the doctrine,” he said.

Asked specifically about the Church’s teaching on the wrongness of murder, as stated in the Decalogue, Cardinal Gasper said that “we have to interpret what Moses said about killing.”

“I think what the Commandment said is true,” the cardinal said of the 5th Commandment. However, he rejected the idea that any specific application of the teaching can be deducted.

Rather, he said, “it’s an ideal and we have to tell people, but then we have also to respect the conscience of those who kill for what ever reason they feel right.”

Comparing the upcoming synod to the Second Vatican Council, he said the event will be “a listening gathering, listening to what the Spirit says to the Church.”

“We have to be realistic, we have to stick to the Gospel, to the doctrine,…but then apply it to the concrete situation of people who are on the way,” he said, also stating that “life is today lived in a very different way, it’s not just the ideal we have, but we have to take people as they are and listen to them.”

Hasn't he read Nostra Aetate?

"Turn the anger of the Almighty against the godless Turks and Barbarians who despise Christ the Lord...each success, will only be a stepping stone until he has mastered all the Western Monarchs, overthrown the Christian Faith, and imposed the law of his false prophet on the whole world."

(Pope Pius II, 1458-1464)

BIGOT!!!

Makes you ashamed to be Catholic, dunnit?

Thank goodness Frankie nose better!

As I was sayin when rudelly interupted

The lobotomy was a success and Im back in buissness.

WATCH THIS SPACE!!!

Big Up to Dwight Longenecker and Frankie, a Pope for the 21st century!!!

On communion for married and divorced people, opines Dwight:

"Furthermore, I’m of the opinion that the marriage discipline of the church should be examined and some sort of reform put in place for the sake of people living in the modern world. I am not a rabid right winger who thinks Pope Francis is the anti-pope before the end of the world."

Couldn't have said it better myself. Remember, "The Sabbath was made for Man and not Man for the Sabbath"?

Well, how about, "Marriage was made for Man and not Man for Marriage"?

And, "Communion was made for Man and not Man for Communion"?

Get with it you pelagian rosary-counting twits and christian bat-people.

Foot-Washing in the Church of M.U.G.W.U.M.P.

I ask you! All this palaver about Pope Frankie washing women's feet!

What's with these dark age dinosaurs who don't understand what it's all about? I mean -

Humility

Service

Subjugation

Which is why, in my cathedral in Glastonbury, I wash 

Only women's feet, cuz yours truly is no sexist

Only young women's feet cuz yours truly is no agist

Only attractive young women's feet, cuz I am not a puritanical anti-sex Pelagian (thanks, Frankie!)

As that great poet Leonard Cohen would say, 

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

The Next Pope Will Be a Computer

Dr Mehnstriem Pixelrast, Chair of the Department of Virtual Intelligence and Fellow of Ebenezer Cretin College at Bullford University writes this month's guest post.

Dr Pixelrast is known to everyone as a regular guest on the BBC's popular religious programme Your God is the Wrong Size, or Something. His best remembered appearance featured his computerised pit bull terrier CRUD, which ate, amongst others, fellow guest Bishop Polly Pistis and destroyed most of the set. Dr Pixelrast writes:

The Problem

I have followed the elections and subsequent performances during their employmenst of the last four popes, and it has not been a pretty sight. For a world-class faith group, the Catholic church is in terminal decline, and the reasons are not hard to find.

1. Popes, widely thought to be infallible, have a humungous gift for opening their mouths and putting their feet in them. Think ex-nazi Benedict and his bigoted attack on Islam, his remarks about gays and condoms. Think back to John Paul 1, and the so-called smoke of Satan, Humanae Vitae, which split his church. Think John Paul 2 and his populist attention-seeking. And now we have Pope Frankie with his schmoozing up to dictators and his intolerant attacks on gays and abortion.

If Frankie ever sets foot in the UK, me and Dicky Dorkins will get him arrested for homophobia and hate-crime.

Think of Pius 12, Hiltler's Pope, a died in the wool anti-semite.

2. Popes get old and senile, prone to delusions of grandeur, bees in their belfries and bats in their hats. Nor good for a faith community with the pretensions of the Catholic church.

3. Popes are the victims of political pressure, private loyalties, nepotism, the Vatican mafia.

4. Popes are totally inefficient, fallible, human.

5. They are, incredibly, in this day and age, always male.

SMALL WONDER THE ENTIRE BLOGOSPHERE, CATHOLIC AND OTHERWISE IS ALREADY SNIPING AT POPE FRANKIE


The Solution

SPUFCFCU (self-programming user-friendly computer for faith community use).

The next Pope must be It's Holiness SPUFCFCU, gender-neutral, infallible, programmable with the scriptures of any faith community, including humanists, wiccans, and satanist. It can write encyclicals, give interviews, and will never make mistakes.

No more papal elections!

No more gaffes!

No more dumkopfs!

Have I made my point?

Cardinal Murphy O'connor Agrees with Me!

I said it first, last March, that the pope should listen to the sesnus fidelium, or voice of the people.

Remember, you read it here first.

And the Daily Telegraph reports that Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor agrees, that the next pope should be a "listening pope". 

Yay!

Me and the Daily Llama

Like the Daily Llama, I’ve decided to move on, break camp, and head for the beach.

As that great man so very rightly said,

“All the world’s major religions, with their emphasis on love, compassion, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness can and do promote inner values. But the reality of the world today is that grounding ethics in religion is no longer adequate. This is why I am increasingly convinced that the time has come to find a way of thinking about spirituality and ethics beyond religion altogether.”

Blows your mind, don't it? What a man! What a spiritual leader!

As my help-meat and I were sitting eating our frugal repast today, frugal, cuz we spent our benefit yesterday, she turned to me and said,

"Here! That daft Left-footer's rabbiting on about some Mundabor who's got his knickers in a twist about the Daily Lammer!"

I looked at the computer screen. The poor silly girl can hardly read when she's stoned, but when I read Mundabor's blog, I was flabbergasted, over the moon.

And of course the Llama is 100% right. 

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

Caused all the wars in history

Led to the crusades, for which popes can never apologise enough

Led to the Spanish Inquisition, which burned millions of Jews, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus,  Budhdhists, Rastafarians, and freemaisonettes to death

Stops our Queen getting divorced and marrying a Wiccan

Led to forced male and female circumspection and other mutations

Been the opium of the people, like Carl Marks wrote. I'm all for opium, but the real stuff, please, not that kitszy stuff that makes people accept anything their told, provided the person laying down the law is wearing funny clothes (no offence, Dalai Llama!)

In other words, religion is not for the common good (eh Benny Ratstinker?) and it's time to dump it in the dustbin of history!

So I say we should give a big-up to the Daily Larva, Bertrand Rustle, Dicky Dorkins, and all those brave and honest people who can set forth, godless and undismayed, on the only pilgrimage worth making....

The Search For Truth

A guest post from Sister Medea Glumleigh-Questing.

Sister Medea writes -

Friends, non-bigots, all of you beautiful people out there, I want to share with you something so adorable, wise, hopeful, and compassionate, that it makes my cuddly old heart beat like a tom-tom.

Having been unspeakably moved at so many of his Rainbow, Leather, Bear, Gay, and Dyke Masses, you will understand the joy that fills me when I read his caring compassionate words.

I am talking of course about that dear old honey......the one-and-only......

Archbishop Professor Dummkopf von Perversionen zur Hölle!!!!!

Ok, so you thought that Austria was all cuckoo-clocks, alpenhorns, and lederhosen?

You got it wrong people! Austria is the matrix, the crucible, the melting-pot, the genesis of all that's new, good, and hopeful in the Roman Catholic church. Ok, so there's not much new, good, and hopeful in the Roman Catholic Church, but the Archbishop is a start.

In his latest book, Der Papst: Idiot oder Schweinhund,  the result of his pioneering missionary work in the gay communities of San Francisco, Brighton, Vienna, Berlin, and Milton Keynes, he writes movingly of the need of the Church to move with the times, to embrace what is good and new, to affirm the rightness of sex in all is rich multiplicity of forms, expressions, and richness.

As he writes (my translation):
Those who reject gaypersonhoodsters, leathermensterness, bears, dykes, questingers, and outednesters are imprisoned in the todeslager of homophobia created by St Paul and his Vatican running dogs and lickspittles. The Truth sets us free, but have we the courage to embrace it?

Powerful words, and no one can be more heartened than I to read them.

And now back to my malted milk and bikkies.

A New Praise Song from J Clarbis Reilly

J Clarbis Reilly is a resident praise-song writer at The Gruel Hymn Factory. This is his latest. I guess you'll all know the tune.

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby

Beboppaloobah! Don't mean maybe!

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby now!

Got me a sweet Lord, in the cradle

Dishing out salvation with a big ladle,

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby now!

Just like Krishna, Buddha, the Big Thumb!

He'll haul me up to the great Kingdom-Come

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby now!

Wow! Mary, you've got a real cool Boy-Child!

He's gonna turn old Caiphas real wild!

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby now!

He'll lead us all in the coolest dance - oh

Like Sidney Carter wrote in "Lord of the dance",  so

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby now!

Make this Man Pope Now!

Once in a generation, there arises a mind so exalted, so free from the trammels of dogma (or dogpa - let's be inclusive, eh?), so FREE-RANGING, that his powers of clear thinking, plain speaking, and vibrant moral leadership must not be lost or wasted.

Who have I got in mind? 

Do you really need to ask? Jhon Crudass of course, a man unafraid to speak his mind, whether about termonation of unwanted pregnancy or gay marriage.

Hats off to him, I say, and to that fine Bishop McMahon, who will be introducing him as speaker at the prestigious forthcoming conference of Catholic Commission for Peace and Social Justice.

Of course, that old misery, Jon Smeaton of SPUC has got his zimmer frame in a twist over it.

So has that tiny twit Left-footer.

Why don't they accept that the lost battles of the past - abortion, homophobia, condoms, zoophilia, boot-fetishism, were LOST. 

THEY CAN'T GET THE BLIMMING TOOTHPASTE BACK IN THE TUBE, CAN THEY!

I say, send Benny 16 to an eventide home, and let's have a young, open-minded, courageous Pope instead. None other than.....

JHON CRUDDAS, MP.

Help! I have been Meme-ed!

Help! I have been Meme-ed!

Which is nowhere as bad as being maimed.

11 Questions for my friends:

1. Do you cut your sandwiches into squares or triangles?

  I roll my bread round a shroom omelette..

2.  Do you know Beethoven as one of the worlds greatest composers, or as a big dog in a rather ordinary children's movie.

Duh?

3.  What color is your toothbrush? And, is your toothbrush interchangeable with your spouses?  With their full knowledge and consent?

I'd swap my toothbrush for a spouse anytime.

4.  Do you stir your coffee right to left or left to right?  And do you ding your spoon on the edge of the cup until the rest of the family screams blue murder?

Can't remember.

5.  Do you ever wear odd socks?  And if you do, do you always start the day by saying you hope you don't die today?

People say my socks are very odd.

6/ Is perspicacious part of your vocabulary?

See (2)

7.  What was donatello before he bacame a world famous Ninja Turtle?

A ninja turtle egg?

8.  Does your exerciser regime challenge more than your wii controller muscles?  

See(2)

9. Do you laugh hysterically at your own jokes?  At confession?

Dunno

10.  What are the names of Donald Duck's nephews?

Huey, Dewey and Louie-- aux prunes s'il vous plait.

11.  And, lastly, for fans of the brilliant Charles Schultz, have you ever had occasion to call any of your children "Pigpen"?

No - ain't no kids.

OK, not linking, but TAGGED:  Marco, 

Benedict XVI sees sense at last

What great times we live in! Fantastic, fabulous, cool, wicked, mind-blowing!


Yes, I know I've been kinda hard on Benny in the past, but he had it coming, I guess, with his  red Gucci stilettos, and all that schmoozing up to the traddies.


But now I take my hat off to the man. HE ROCKS!


Yup, he appointed Archbishop Muller to be head of the Spanish Inquisition, a step of such courage and vision that the mind of yours truly is well and truly BLOWN.


Why am I so fantabulously chuffed? Well,

1. Muller has written that the Catholic obsession with the virginity of Mary is IRRELEVANT! I think he says that the physical virginity is not a big issue here - it's all about a state of mind! BINGO!
2. He writes that Transubstantiation is old-hat. We must think of symbolism, community, TOGETHERNESS. I'm cool with that.

Muller has guts! I love that man!

So, my dear seekers after the many-faceted truth, the hermeneutic of cool, EXPECT TO SEE ME AT MASS NEXT SUNDAY!!!!!

And may Whatever bless you!

Smirkie.

Sensus fidelium (the good sense of the faithful) rocks!

Yup, yours truly can still play the didgeridoo after the savage attack of that unreconstructed bigot Boru (see previous post). The teeth he broke were only dentures, and I've got a new upper set which fits better.

Now I've been reading a lot about King Bling, aka Benny Ratstinger, and it ain't pretty.

For instance, did you know that he wears Gucci shoes, a white dress, a load of kitschy tat bling, and looks more like a gangsta than a bishop. What is he like!

And he's an arrogant old git and listen to nobody apart from the usual traddy cronies, ponced up in their gladrags and funny red hats.

Well have I've got news for him!

Right on, Herr Benny!

Cos I've been reading up on catholic theology, and have some advice to give him, and all the other traddy bigots who make so much noise.

Vox populi vox Dei! In case your latin ain't up to scratch, that means "The voice of the people is the voice of God. It's in Latin cos it's a popish dogma, as if Benny R didn't know.

Sensus fidelium which means the common sense of the faithful. OK, benny, that's compassionate people like Tony Blair, Jon Cruddas, Greg Pope, Cardinal Campari, and those great folks at the Tablet. People not bound by your tired old dogmas, but following their consciences like what that Newman said they've got to.

So, then, if those loominaries in the "universal church", together with most of the normal folks in the UK think that LGBT marriage, is ok, then IT IS! Or are you gonna says they ain't faithful? Cos if you do, WATCH IT! I'm on to you!

And there's sex-ed, as taught in a lot of the better popish schools, liberated from prudery, resourced with hot sexy blue films, so kids can learn what to do and how. Everybody is OK with that, so that's ok.


The same goes for abortion. What compassionate person wants to return to the dark days of millions of back-street abortions every year, performed on the kitchen table with a pair of dirty scissors? Women dying in their thousands from nasty microbes? Is that compassion? If it is, you can stuff it, you talebanish so-called pro-lifers.

I thank whatever gods there be, that thanks to the compassionate actions of David Steal 45 years ago, fast, safe, caring abortions are as easy to come by as burger and chips.

No more blood poisoning!

No more poverty caused by too many kids.

Remember vox populi vox Dei, and and sensus fidelium. Bow your stiff neck, Ben, to the voice of THE PEOPLE!

So stick that in your thurible and puff it, old men of the vatican!

Bishop Smirk says - Why doesn't that boring Jhon Smeaton just shut up about gays and stick to rabbiting on about abortion?

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Those fine minds and deep thinkers at catholic voices really had it right over John Smeaton and SPUC. And all those people who attack him on Twitter. They know a thing or two.

SPUC's remit is to try to stop abortion, or so they used to say. 

So why the flaming hell are they sticking their oar in over same-sex marriage and that old-hat Pius XI. (here) Why are they attacking Archbishop Vincent Nichols, the great and good Greg Pope, and his fantastic Catholic Education Service, with its up-to-the-minute antihomophobic programmes?

It's nothing to do with abortion, and so (as they so very rightly keep pointing out on Twitter) it's none of Smeaton's or SPUC's business.

My guess is, and you can quote me all you like on this,  SPUC and Smeaton are anti same-sex marriage and anti-abortion cuz they're ANTI-FUN!

BLOODY PURITANS, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!