After Christmas Dinner chez Orgoglio

Scene: An ecclesiastical doss-house in the Vatican.

Pope Orgoglio: Where are my presents? What's that? 

Monsignor Louche: It's your Christmas tree - a present from the South Side Coprophiles, your Holiness.

Orgoglio: It stinks 'orrible.

Monsignor Louche: Your Holiness, it is artificial, everlasting, and made out of second-hand toilet brushes.

 Orgoglio: Bleagh! Gimme a drink of water. Oh arrrrrgh! Fire and water - man's best friend and worst enemy, oh arrrrgh!

Cardinal Fondle: [groans, rolls eyes, looks at watch] Indeed your Holiness!

 Orgoglio: They ol' neo-promethean neo-pelagians never was much cop, or something..... 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio; Gimme the nutcrackers, will ya?

Monsignor Venal: Your Holiness, there are no nuts to crack. You have cracked them all.

Orgoglio: Them traddy gits keep saying I'm splitting the Church, but I say I'm just making a mess, like what I told them teenagers to do, eh? Oh arrrrgh! 'Ere! I've been havin' a butchers at the Ten Commandments. Negativity, eh? We gotta do something about that. Too much coprophilia, no? 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  Oh arrrgh! The best way to combat terrorism is by warmly welcoming migrants into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Cushion: As your Holiness pleases.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat rape is by warmly welcoming rapists into your homes and helping them integrate into the "European context." 

Monsignor Louche: Of course, your Holiness.

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat negativity is by warmly welcoming negativists and helping them integrate into the "European context. Is that right?" 

[Silence]

Orgoglio:  The best way to combat traditional Catholicism is by warmly welcoming traddies and helping them integrate into the "European context, maybe?" 

Cardinal Fondle: [visibly jolted] **** that, your Holiness. Those little neo-pelagian ***** can get stuffed!

Orgoglio: I'm making a mess, eh? Still young at heart, that's me.

[Collapse of stout Catholic]