THE HERMENEUTIC OF COOL

Saturday, March 16, 2013

The Next Pope Will Be a Computer

Dr Mehnstriem Pixelrast, Chair of the Department of Virtual Intelligence and Fellow of Ebenezer Cretin College at Bullford University writes this month's guest post.

Dr Pixelrast is known to everyone as a regular guest on the BBC's popular religious programme Your God is the Wrong Size, or Something. His best remembered appearance featured his computerised pit bull terrier CRUD, which ate, amongst others, fellow guest Bishop Polly Pistis and destroyed most of the set. Dr Pixelrast writes:

The Problem

I have followed the elections and subsequent performances during their employmenst of the last four popes, and it has not been a pretty sight. For a world-class faith group, the Catholic church is in terminal decline, and the reasons are not hard to find.

1. Popes, widely thought to be infallible, have a humungous gift for opening their mouths and putting their feet in them. Think ex-nazi Benedict and his bigoted attack on Islam, his remarks about gays and condoms. Think back to John Paul 1, and the so-called smoke of Satan, Humanae Vitae, which split his church. Think John Paul 2 and his populist attention-seeking. And now we have Pope Frankie with his schmoozing up to dictators and his intolerant attacks on gays and abortion.

If Frankie ever sets foot in the UK, me and Dicky Dorkins will get him arrested for homophobia and hate-crime.

Think of Pius 12, Hiltler's Pope, a died in the wool anti-semite.

2. Popes get old and senile, prone to delusions of grandeur, bees in their belfries and bats in their hats. Nor good for a faith community with the pretensions of the Catholic church.

3. Popes are the victims of political pressure, private loyalties, nepotism, the Vatican mafia.

4. Popes are totally inefficient, fallible, human.

5. They are, incredibly, in this day and age, always male.

SMALL WONDER THE ENTIRE BLOGOSPHERE, CATHOLIC AND OTHERWISE IS ALREADY SNIPING AT POPE FRANKIE

The Solution

SPUFCFCU (self-programming user-friendly computer for faith community use).

The next Pope must be It's Holiness SPUFCFCU, gender-neutral, infallible, programmable with the scriptures of any faith community, including humanists, wiccans, and satanist. It can write encyclicals, give interviews, and will never make mistakes.

No more papal elections!

No more gaffes!

No more dumkopfs!

Have I made my point?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Cardinal Murphy O'connor Agrees with Me!

I said it first, last March, that the pope should listen to the sesnus fidelium, or voice of the people.

Remember, you read it here first.

And the Daily Telegraph reports that Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor agrees, that the next pope should be a "listening pope".

Yay!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Me and the Daily Llama

Like the Daily Llama, I’ve decided to move on, break camp, and head for the beach.

As that great man so very rightly said,

“All the world’s major religions, with their emphasis on love, compassion, patience, tolerance, and forgiveness can and do promote inner values. But the reality of the world today is that grounding ethics in religion is no longer adequate. This is why I am increasingly convinced that the time has come to find a way of thinking about spirituality and ethics beyond religion altogether.”

Blows your mind, don't it? What a man! What a spiritual leader!

As my help-meat and I were sitting eating our frugal repast today, frugal, cuz we spent our benefit yesterday, she turned to me and said,

"Here! That daft Left-footer's rabbiting on about some Mundabor who's got his knickers in a twist about the Daily Lammer!"

I looked at the computer screen. The poor silly girl can hardly read when she's stoned, but when I read Mundabor's blog, I was flabbergasted, over the moon.

And of course the Llama is 100% right.

What has religion done for the world? I'll tell you!

Caused all the wars in history

Led to the crusades, for which popes can never apologise enough

Led to the Spanish Inquisition, which burned millions of Jews, Protestants, Muslims, Hindus, Budhdhists, Rastafarians, and freemaisonettes to death

Stops our Queen getting divorced and marrying a Wiccan

Led to forced male and female circumspection and other mutations

Been the opium of the people, like Carl Marks wrote. I'm all for opium, but the real stuff, please, not that kitszy stuff that makes people accept anything their told, provided the person laying down the law is wearing funny clothes (no offence, Dalai Llama!)

In other words, religion is not for the common good (eh Benny Ratstinker?) and it's time to dump it in the dustbin of history!

So I say we should give a big-up to the Daily Larva, Bertrand Rustle, Dicky Dorkins, and all those brave and honest people who can set forth, godless and undismayed, on the only pilgrimage worth making....

The Search For Truth

Sunday, September 16, 2012

A guest post from Sister Medea Glumleigh-Questing.

Sister Medea writes -

Friends, non-bigots, all of you beautiful people out there, I want to share with you something so adorable, wise, hopeful, and compassionate, that it makes my cuddly old heart beat like a tom-tom.

Having been unspeakably moved at so many of his Rainbow, Leather, Bear, Gay, and Dyke Masses, you will understand the joy that fills me when I read his caring compassionate words.

I am talking of course about that dear old honey......the one-and-only......

Archbishop Professor Dummkopf von Perversionen zur Hölle!!!!!

Ok, so you thought that Austria was all cuckoo-clocks, alpenhorns, and lederhosen?

You got it wrong people! Austria is the matrix, the crucible, the melting-pot, the genesis of all that's new, good, and hopeful in the Roman Catholic church. Ok, so there's not much new, good, and hopeful in the Roman Catholic Church, but the Archbishop is a start.

In his latest book, Der Papst: Idiot oder Schweinhund, the result of his pioneering missionary work in the gay communities of San Francisco, Brighton, Vienna, Berlin, and Milton Keynes, he writes movingly of the need of the Church to move with the times, to embrace what is good and new, to affirm the rightness of sex in all is rich multiplicity of forms, expressions, and richness.

As he writes (my translation):
Those who reject gaypersonhoodsters, leathermensterness, bears, dykes, questingers, and outednesters are imprisoned in the todeslager of homophobia created by St Paul and his Vatican running dogs and lickspittles. The Truth sets us free, but have we the courage to embrace it?

Powerful words, and no one can be more heartened than I to read them.

And now back to my malted milk and bikkies.

Friday, August 17, 2012

A New Praise Song from J Clarbis Reilly

J Clarbis Reilly is a resident praise-song writer at The Gruel Hymn Factory. This is his latest. I guess you'll all know the tune.

Beboppaloobah! He's my Baby

Beboppaloobah! Don't mean maybe!